Do you ever wonder, “wtf?” That’s been me. I was unemployed and unmotivated after being burnt by the last two employers. The first, after nine and a half years of helping build him up, screwed me over and he knew it. Of course, the story he told everyone else was completely different and made himself out to be the good guy. The second employer I quit after a month. He was so toxic and I could tell my mental health was spiraling. He refused to pay me for the last two weeks I worked. That ended in a civil lawsuit costing him a little more than just two weeks’ pay.
Feeling jaded, I really didn’t want to work. I want freedom, but unfortunately you need money to have that. I started door dashing just to give me something to do and some income, so I wasn’t totally reliant on savings. I started offering babysitting services as well. I wanted more freedom in creating my own schedule and not being stuck behind a desk. That was going well until one job came abruptly to a stop. We were now heading into the holiday season, fully reliant on savings, and also knowing with the job market any good company would be holding off until January until hiring again.
In between there, something said to just start typing my sons letters from basic training and turn it into a book. I needed some kind of purpose. I wanted to feel like I was making a difference in this world. There was some disappointment when I released the book as the number of congratulations/likes/applause, didn’t reflect in the sales. I didn’t really have any traction until I posted looking for sponsors to send copies overseas in Christmas care packages to troops that were deployed. But soon after, even that fizzled out.
Depression and anxiety sank in. And it sank in hard. Hard enough that I knew I needed meds because I was truly feeling helpless. I had one “friend” check in on me back in November. I said I wasn’t good, but I also didn’t want the “you’re a bad ass, whatever it is you got this” speech that he always gives. I wanted support. What I got instead after telling him everything going on was, “so everyday life stuff?” I didn’t respond. I was pissed and hurt at how completely dismissive he was. It was two months later that said “friend” wanted to check-in. I was honest. I told him I wouldn’t tell him if I wasn’t good because of how dismissive he was last time. I also told him I hoed he wasn’t dismissive like that with any of the veterans he tries to help with mental health. Being on meds has been a game changer. I wasn’t surprised by his response. He said he was joking, thought I would think it was funny, and obviously I didn’t. W.T.F. Seriously??? How the fuck could anyone in their right mind who I told I was not doing well, and didn’t want the pep talk, think I would want humor?? He then had the balls to say it wasn’t cool what I said (about hoping he’s not dismissive with vets). Again. Seriously??? Not cool is being a grown ass man who can’t take accountability for his actions. Not cool is being a grown ass man and trying to turn his shit on me by acting like he’s a victim. I terminated that “friendship” right then and there. His response to me told me everything I need to know.
That will lead into the next blog post. Boundaries. Respect. Self love.